I felt it time to write a letter to articulate my view,
That when a fellow lives to Hampstead there are things he shouldn’t do,
Like use a neighbour’s pondside garden as a place to do a poo,
It makes it rather stinky when one’s trying to enjoy the view.

Now, about your dining habits; if you’re going to eat in,
Tradition in this neck of the woods is not to raid the bin,
And if you want to get romantic (and make an awful screeching din),
The pavement outside my window is not the proper place to sin.

I know you’ve come from the countryside and I don’t mean to be cranky,
But appearances are important here and yours is, well, quite manky,
That greying ginger fur would look an awful lot less skanky,
Under a nicely tailored blazer with a freshly folded hanky.

So we’re going to be neighbours and I hope you’re happy here,
And if you’ve anything to ask, then you’ve a friendly neighbour’s ear,
But one more shit in my lawn good sir will be your last you hear?
You will be stuffed and on my mantle piece, and of that I am sincere.

Kind regards,