5 minutes walk (5 minutes drive),
Up and coming (an expensive dive),
Period features (electric cooker, unsavoury creatures).

Cosy (pokey),
Atmospheric (smokey),
Near to the nightlife (next door to a bar playing shit karaoke).

Good use of space (everything put in an unusual place).

Well appointed (nice door handles),
A little unloved (destroyed by vandals),
Lots of potential (it’s a derelict crack den, but that’s inconsequential).

Excellent travel links (under the motorway),
Great river views (there’s a chance it’ll float away).

Quaint (itsy),
Snug (bitsy),
Charming (teeny),
Homely (weeny).

Stunning (average),
Unmissable (….missable).

Buzzing neighbourhood (next to a pylon),
Energy efficient (windows of nylon),
Available at a knock down price (no one wants it, it isn’t nice).

Ideal spot for first time buyers (damp rotten crap hole, live exposed wires).

It needs a little work but you’ll love it (you won’t – the asbestos’ll get you if the giant rats don’t).

Ok, have a think, but it’ll sell real quick (I’m lying to you, right now, it’s my favourite trick).