London’s truly magical, but when you’re feeling down,
This awe inspiring city is a lonely daunting town.

Here’s some good advices that I’ve learned throughout the while,
That may just help you through the shit and keep you with a smile.

If you’re fenced in and frustrated, then before it gets too dark,
Go and buy a football, and smash it round the park.

Some would say to clear your head the best thing is a run,
But the addition of a football gives a little bit more fun!

As can sometimes happen, you’re a little lost inside,
Go and get a Boris bike and take a random ride.

A journey without route or map will leave you nicely tired,
And the things you see along the way might find you more inspired.

The pints the night before have left you flattened and forlorn,
Go and do some gardening on a sunny weekend morn.

Bored of all the tourists with their stupid cheerful smiles?
Join them on a tour bus for a few intriguing miles.

If the morning’s got you buzzing from a gruelling number crunch,
Then take a bag of goodies and surprise your girl with lunch.

You’ve got a 40 minute journey, in a rush it seems ages,
So allow yourself an hour or so and read a few more pages.

The monotony of 9 – 5 is pushing you too far,
Hold a morning meeting in St Pancras Champagne bar.

You spend an hour everyday 100ft beneath,
Go and take a book and rug to the top of Hampstead heath.

Tired of the same old pub on every Friday night?
Look at easyJet.com and take a random flight.

It’s the middle of the winter and the world’s all grey and brown,
Check out all the haircuts on the punks in Camden Town.

Got a empty hour or so and don’t know what to do,
Write a cheeky poem, and drink a coffee or two.

These are just a few wee things that keep me feeling sane,
And loving my sweet city when my mood is on the wane.

If the above’s no good to you, and you’re going slightly stale
Then drop me here a little note, and I’ll meet you for an ale.

A seedling strains with all its might,
For a life giving glimpse of a window sill’s light,
A bear ventures forth from its wintery cave,
And a blue whale basks on the crest of a wave.

A dog in the street stretches out in delight,
A homeless man is eased from his plight,
In the blink of an eye the bikinis are rife,
And ice cream vans are revved into life.

Naturally drawn to the warmth of the sun,
Life is just better, things are more fun,
Children are happy, less people die,
Nobody cares that the gas costs are high.

Randy young teenagers take to the park,
Smashing down Malibu til way after dark,
The street sweepers laugh as they clean up the mess,
As long as the sun shines, they couldn’t care less.

Some will say it’s the vitamin D,
But for me it’s about being able to see,
Other colours except for grey,
A broadened spectrum, a brighter day.

So whether you’re man or whether you’re beast,
Nothing inspires like that fire to the east,
Then winter rolls in with its fun quenching chill,
So why don’t we all just move to Brazil?

Well, I got it all done, worked like a donkey,
And I know it looks rushed, a little wonky,
But don’t you worry, with time it’ll settle,
Now I’ll do the bill, go put on the kettle.

Alright my matey, have a seat,
And that’s white, two sugars, nice and sweet,
So it’s parts plus commission and labour by the hour,
I’ll do you a deal, don’tchoo worry ‘bout it flower.

That bill that I give you’s the total fee, what you get is what you see,
But just don’t forget to add VAT,
Then on top there’s travel and call out fee,
I won’t put in for the time I drank tea! (laughs out loud).

You wanted a small, but I did you a large
That’s 20% on the standard charge,
The sealant, plaster, weekend rate,
And while I was here I fixed that old gate.

So just sign here, I’ll be done in a trice,
And cash in hand would indeed be nice,
If it plays up again just give it a whack,
Or brew up a pot and call me back!

I felt it time to write a letter to articulate my view,
That when a fellow lives to Hampstead there are things he shouldn’t do,
Like use a neighbour’s pondside garden as a place to do a poo,
It makes it rather stinky when one’s trying to enjoy the view.

Now, about your dining habits; if you’re going to eat in,
Tradition in this neck of the woods is not to raid the bin,
And if you want to get romantic (and make an awful screeching din),
The pavement outside my window is not the proper place to sin.

I know you’ve come from the countryside and I don’t mean to be cranky,
But appearances are important here and yours is, well, quite manky,
That greying ginger fur would look an awful lot less skanky,
Under a nicely tailored blazer with a freshly folded hanky.

So we’re going to be neighbours and I hope you’re happy here,
And if you’ve anything to ask, then you’ve a friendly neighbour’s ear,
But one more shit in my lawn good sir will be your last you hear?
You will be stuffed and on my mantle piece, and of that I am sincere.

Kind regards,

Cute little duck, quack quack quack,
Or warm in salad, as a tasty snack?

Chicken perched in straw filled coup,
Or steaming in a bowl of soup?

Doe eyed cow with innocent stare,
Or slowly grilled to medium rare?

Fluffy gambolling spring born lamb,
Or roast with rosemary and jam?

Handsome strutting country pheasant,
When served in pie is just as pleasant?

Happy piggy rolling in shit,
Or apple in mouth, rolling on a spit?

Decisions decisions, I’ve made mine,
And ethics don’t taste good with wine.

Eyes that don’t see, heart that don’t feel,
So shut thy mouth and prepare me my meal!

You’ve a passion for spreadsheets, a double barrelled name,
68 years working at the top of your game,
Know your goods in and out, from your profit and loss,
Don’t mind shagging the occasional boss.

Your balls are made of solid gold,
You’ve an uncanny knack of turning ‘For Sale’ to ‘Sold’,
You know all about thinking out of the box,
It’s the smell of success that perfumes your socks.

You’ve a gold leaf CV with everything in it,
Can eat three cream crackers in under a minute,
Will work for free from 9 til 9,
Can ride a unicycle, turn water to wine.

You speak 72 languages, have a dog that can talk,
The ability to persuade a Rabbi to eat pork,
Make important decisions at breathtaking pace,
Are the best looking person in the whole human race.

You’ve a proven track record, in all the races,
Have had lots of sex in interesting places,
A list of contacts as long as my nob,
Your shits don’t stink, your dad’s not called Bob.

Please click below to apply for the role,
Where your application will be read by a numpty called Noel,
There’s 900 CVs already in the stack,
So there’s zero chance we’re gonna call you back.