Cute little duck, quack quack quack,
Or warm in salad, as a tasty snack?

Chicken perched in straw filled coup,
Or steaming in a bowl of soup?

Doe eyed cow with innocent stare,
Or slowly grilled to medium rare?

Fluffy gambolling spring born lamb,
Or roast with rosemary and jam?

Handsome strutting country pheasant,
When served in pie is just as pleasant?

Happy piggy rolling in shit,
Or apple in mouth, rolling on a spit?

Decisions decisions, I’ve made mine,
And ethics don’t taste good with wine.

Eyes that don’t see, heart that don’t feel,
So shut thy mouth and prepare me my meal!

You’ve a passion for spreadsheets, a double barrelled name,
68 years working at the top of your game,
Know your goods in and out, from your profit and loss,
Don’t mind shagging the occasional boss.

Your balls are made of solid gold,
You’ve an uncanny knack of turning ‘For Sale’ to ‘Sold’,
You know all about thinking out of the box,
It’s the smell of success that perfumes your socks.

You’ve a gold leaf CV with everything in it,
Can eat three cream crackers in under a minute,
Will work for free from 9 til 9,
Can ride a unicycle, turn water to wine.

You speak 72 languages, have a dog that can talk,
The ability to persuade a Rabbi to eat pork,
Make important decisions at breathtaking pace,
Are the best looking person in the whole human race.

You’ve a proven track record, in all the races,
Have had lots of sex in interesting places,
A list of contacts as long as my nob,
Your shits don’t stink, your dad’s not called Bob.

Please click below to apply for the role,
Where your application will be read by a numpty called Noel,
There’s 900 CVs already in the stack,
So there’s zero chance we’re gonna call you back.