If you’ve cocked things up in royal style,
And they can’t be fixed with a ‘cheeky smile’,
You’re surrounded by anger, confusion and shock,
You need to be gone by many a mile.
Allow me to elaborate.
When the perfect snowball launched with pace,
Arcs through the air with deadly grace,
Misses its target by quite some way,
And smashes your granny flush in the face.
When your mongrel mutt without a sound,
Clears the fence with a single bound,
Gets his doggy lipstick out,
And violates the neighbour’s pedigree hound.
When your beautiful dinner date tips her head,
And into her quarters you are lead,
You wake in the night all warm and content,
And realise you’ve pissed the bed.
Run my boy, run straight for the door,
Run like you’ve never run before,
Run fast and free with the wind in your hair,
Til the land runs out and you reach the shore.
When you smash a cricket ball clean and true,
Over the hedge and out of view,
From in the distance you hear the crash,
Of something expensive and shiny and new.
When you’ve jumped your old man’s brand new car,
Just for a ‘test drive’….not too far,
And you click as he picks up the keys to show mum,
That you left in the back seat your co-pilot’s bra.
When the coffin passes your point in the crowd,
And all around you stand sad and proud,
Your body in mourning, tired and stressed,
Starts to giggle then laugh out loud.
Cast aside resolve and mettle,
Just head for the door and do one, petal,
Show the world a clean pair of heels,
And wait from afar for the dust to settle.
For if you’ve crafted an epic fail,
And instinct tells you to turn and bail,
Heed these words and don’t resist,
And you might just live to tell the tale.
You’re welcome.


