(Charitable Royal Association for the Protection of Politicians)

Dear Sir,

I draw your attention to the tragic plight,
Of our fearless leaders, from left and from right,
And I ask that you offer a penny or two,
To help out our team in its desperate fight.

When we first encountered Ed the red,
He was cripplingly stressed and underfed,
Though his hair, deep and shiny, showed good signs of life,
Behind the eyes he was withered and dead.

Dave the blue we met on our late night rounds,
He was red in the face and had piled on the pounds,
His blood contained dangerous amounts of foie gras,
And excess was protruding in unsightly mounds.

We were called by the mother of Nick the yellow,
An unfortunately feeble, defeated young fellow,
Bullied and silenced, ignored and jeered,
His resolve and self-image reduced to jello.

Nigel the purple we found in a bin,
Chuntering nonsense, with lunatic grin,
Though appearing amused, he was clearly confused,
And internally pickled with bitter and gin.

Our nutritionists visited Natalie the Green,
Who we’d often heard of, but rarely seen,
Resolved to eat nothing but organic veg,
The smell she emitted was quite obscene.

I’m delighted to say that with your donation,
We’re able to offer support and salvation,
To poor little mites like Nicky and Nat,
Though with Nigel we opted for instant castration.

Please keep it coming and thanks in advance,
For giving these idiots a second glance,
For with love, luck and laughter, compassion, resolve,
Our wonderful nation might just stand a chance.