Category Archives: humour

humour, ode, poetry, rhyme

Beyond the fringe

Hair

I fear for my life,
I’m being silently stalked, unbeknownst to my wife,
By her beautiful hair, so flowing and fair,
Which is literally fucking everywhere.

At night as I sleep, round my neck it wraps,
One of a multitude of traps,
It sets, to catch me unaware,
Evil, cunning, clever hair.

It sneaks its way on my toast and butter,
I choke and splutter, like some fucking nutter,
All the while the hair watches on,
Knowing that someday soon I’ll be gone.

In the aftermath,
I decide to wind down with a nice hot bath,
In the plughole the silky assassins await,
Plotting and scheming a watery fate.

I start to dose, and the hairball arose,
Like an endless clot from a bloody nose,
Tinged with slime, hell bent on crime,
But I flee from the tub in the nick of time.

Then head downstairs and turn on the light,
Where I sit and await the passing of night,
And curse the day through a rueful sob,
That I ever suggested she get a bob.

THE (split) END

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humour, poetry

The honest estate agent

The truthful estate agent

Offered for sale is this highly undesirable, incredibly cramped one bedroom ex-council flat, located on the 6th floor, which is ideal if you’re planning to regularly visit the 5th and 7th floors.

Comes complete with walls and windows, which cleverly allow light in while keeping the weather and other things out, although not always bricks, which is good to note.

The extreme ugliness and decay of the exterior acts as a deterrent, and means you’re less likely to become a statistic of the rampant crime wave sweeping the estate. It will also put off all buyers looking for a pleasant place to live, reducing the competition.

Inside, the cleverly positioned toilet in the kitchen means you can shit while you eat, saving time and space, which has been freed up for a panic room in the case of intrusion (the previous occupant informs us this is likely).

The damp has conveniently removed all the dull brown paint from the walls, so you don’t have to. And what’s more, the seller is in a complicated onward chain, which gives you the benefit of plenty of time to think about how you will improve the flat while you wait for him to move on.

Original features remain throughout, such as lead piping in the water supply, and while initially purpose built, this property is now unquestionably unfit for purpose, offering real flexibility to use as a dingy, uninhabited storage space if needed.

This is the ideal home for someone who doesn’t want the hassle of entertaining friends and has no interest in ever looking to impress a lover.

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humour, ode, poetry, rhyme

Introducing CRAPP

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(Charitable Royal Association for the Protection of Politicians)

Dear Sir,

I draw your attention to the tragic plight,
Of our fearless leaders, from left and from right,
And I ask that you offer a penny or two,
To help out our team in its desperate fight.

When we first encountered Ed the red,
He was cripplingly stressed and underfed,
Though his hair, deep and shiny, showed good signs of life,
Behind the eyes he was withered and dead.

Dave the blue we met on our late night rounds,
He was red in the face and had piled on the pounds,
His blood contained dangerous amounts of foie gras,
And excess was protruding in unsightly mounds.

We were called by the mother of Nick the yellow,
An unfortunately feeble, defeated young fellow,
Bullied and silenced, ignored and jeered,
His resolve and self-image reduced to jello.

Nigel the purple we found in a bin,
Chuntering nonsense, with lunatic grin,
Though appearing amused, he was clearly confused,
And internally pickled with bitter and gin.

Our nutritionists visited Natalie the Green,
Who we’d often heard of, but rarely seen,
Resolved to eat nothing but organic veg,
The smell she emitted was quite obscene.

I’m delighted to say that with your donation,
We’re able to offer support and salvation,
To poor little mites like Nicky and Nat,
Though with Nigel we opted for instant castration.

Please keep it coming and thanks in advance,
For giving these idiots a second glance,
For with love, luck and laughter, compassion, resolve,
Our wonderful nation might just stand a chance.

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humour, ode, poetry, rhyme

The 12 applications, an ode to planning permission

The 12 applications
To the tune of the 12 days of Christmas.  

On the first application the council said to me,
We’re not going to make this eeeeeasy.

On the second application the council said to me,
It’s a very simple process, but we’re not going to make it eeeeeasy.

On the third application the council said to me,
This is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process, but we’re not going to make it eeeeeeasy.

On the fourth application the council said to me,
We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process, but we’re not going to make it eeeeeeasy.

On the fifth application the council said to me,
Fiiiive pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeasy.

On the sixth application the council said to me,
I’m wearing brown corduroy trousers, and then fiiiive pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeasy.

On the seventh application the council said to me,
Please re-write it all in black ink, I’m in brown corduroy trousers, and then fiiiiive stupid pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeeasy.

On the eighth application the council said to me,
Yes I am a dreadful jobsworth, just re-write it all in black ink, yup that’s right brown corduroy trousers, and then fiiiiive pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeeasy.

On the ninth application the council said to me,
Please refrain from swearing, yes I am a dreadful jobsworth, just re-write it all in black ink, I’m in brown corduroy trousers, and then fiiiiive pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeeasy.

On the tenth application the council said to me,
Oh, you’ve come down to the office, will you please refrain from swearing, yes I am a dreadful jobsworth, just re-write it all in black ink, I’m in brown corduroy trousers, and then fiiiiive pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is gonna cost you, it’s a very simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeasy.

On the eleventh application the council said to me,
We don’t respond to violence, but you’ve come down to the office, please please please refrain from swearing, I’m a sweaty woeful jobsworth, just re-write it all in black ink, mind my poo brown corduroy trousers, and then fiiiiive stupid pointless things. We don’t work on Friday, this is really gonna cost you, it’s such a simple simple process but we’re not going to make it eeeeasy.

On the twelfth application the council said to me,
Application approved.

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